THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXIII, Issue 32, 25 April 1903, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

DICK SEDDON'S happy idea of sweetening the members before the session, by sending them on a picnic to the South Sea Islands at the public expense, has taken effect. The s.s. Mapourika, loaned for the occasion by the Union Steamship Company, called in here on Saturday evening, filled with the southern contingent, all as gay and merry as schoolboys let loose on a holiday. The Auckland contingent, few in number but hilarious in spirits, were waiting on the wharf, their bag's packed ready for the spree, and when these had been shipped, the merry party set forth on their expedition.

No press men accompanied the picknickers, so that no stories will be told afterwards -except those that they choose to relate, or the revised version supplied to the newspapers by the civil servants who go in the capacity of official scribes. However, probably the less said about the trip the better. The members are going for enjoyment, with the cigar-boxes bulging and the decanters overflowing, and if they don't have a high old time it's their own fault.

Every care was taken to make the trip as pleasant as possible. Apart from the generous commissariat, two medical gentlemen have been taken in case of emergencies. Not a woman was left on board, the stewardesses being sent on shore at the last moment, and the Hospital nurses being abandoned with the stewardesses. There is only one camera on the ship, and that is in charge ot a discreet Government official, so that there can be no illicit snap-shotting on the part o^ unauthorised individuals. The Gov

eminent, fearful lest the country should set t lie picnic down as an abandoned political booze, has inspired the explanation that the object is to educate our hieinbers concerning our new possessions in the South Seas The .answer to this is that they would have done well if they had begun by learning something about their own country.

••• ••• ••• A wedding down south had to be postponed the other duy at the eleventh hour. Both t*ride and groom were on their way to church, filled with anticipation* of pending happiness, when the little cloud appeared on their horizon. Someone discovered that a very important condition of the marriage license had been overlooked— the bridesfioom, who uame from a distance, hadn't yet spent the necessary thrse nights in the town — had been there three days only. So the tearful bride had to drive home and doff the wedding fripperies, and hotli parties to wait for the lapse of another night. The marriage was duly celebrated next day. But the career of the wedded pair will be watched by the superstitious to see whether it realises the omen of ill-luck that such: an occurrence is supposed to carry with it.

If all we hear be correct, the muchvaunted meat inspection system in Auckland is far from perfect. True, the Government lias l.itely attached veterinary surgeons to the two export slaughterhouses of the district. That, however, affects only a portion of the total city meat consumption. There are those in the trade who sniff at the inspection system at the municipal abattoirs, and tell stories that are not conducive to the peace of mind of the meat-eating householder. Further, it is alleged that at several pmall places in the suburbs killing is done without any semblance of inspection, otherwise than as to cleanliness of premises. The Health Deuaitment seems to hare a lot energy to spare ju«t now. Let it bestir itself in this matter, and enforce a complete and all-round system of meat inspection. It isn't pieasant to think of the possible loop holes for the ringing in of unwholesome food upon the public.

\v .-, ..-.; v\ r — : — — -7 We have received from on« of the t gold fields townships arimivifrg tale of domustic woe, which, our. correspondent, says, is likely to Vend In'Uhe' Diyprce Coiut. It is the old<fjtory of the confiding husband, Uijt*' lancinating j wife, and the inevitable Warder, the , communication deals in^ racy terms ! with the friendship of th« Jady and the ! boarder, but so far as t life heroine of the domestic drama is cdfieemed, hi« conclusions in regard tt» flier scarcely seem to be warranted, audit^would not ! he tair to puWli~.lt them. ' '.-

So far ns the hoarder ife concerned, our correspondent i» nrol&bly not far/ out, in his judgment when' he say* the most despicable thing on Hod's earth is the individual who. having uot the' coinage to take a wife of his own, comes between another man and his wife, estranges her affections, and destroys the hap| mesa gf the home. Bnt horsewhips are cheap. What is the husband doing? We shall mike enquiries into the truth of the letter, and, if the trouble continues, may publish it with its racy details in a later issue.

There were rollicking times in the volunteer camps at Easier. Even military discipline doesn't always ward oft the whims of the practical joker. In one place, a blue-ribbon captain found all the empty beer bottles of the neighbourhood collected and stowed in his tent. Another nierrj party thought it fun to tether a captured calf in the quarters of one of the officers. But they took the critter to the wrong tent, were oanght red - handed, and failed to see the humour of the situation when they had to pay up fines of 5s apiece. But there was one joke that \va« distinctly shabby. ■■' In a sham fight, a member of th« defending force brok« hi« arm. Tho nttackerm were asked to provide an ambulance. The best they could do was send a trap that had been used to carry ammunition. And after the vehicle had done the required service, its users meanly " eonfisticated " a quantity of ammunition that was still on board, on tlte ground that it was illegal freight for an " ambulance !"

Even learned educationists are not proof against perpetrating a ball «6nVetinaeß. A member of the Wellington Education Board confided to hi* colleagues at their last meeting — «f Sometimes I speak with my left hanil 'lihd sometimes with my right." The rest of his illustration was lost- in* the laughter. ' '

An Auckland doctor. is telling bin friends about a cool customer in the way of man-servants that lie recently; had in his employment, ffo\wa« a good-looking, cheerful iiadivßm^l, aod from the first showed the air of one who was satisfied that Jack was a* his master, if not a darned sight better, Some weeks after his, installation, Dr Klank hud occasion to call upop one of his wealthiest patients, and wax detained rather longer than usual. On his return to the street, both buggy and groom were missing. *or some, time the doctor waited, reflecting that the man had probably gone round the block to keep t lie horse moving.

But it soon became evident that something was wrong, and after ringing up his home and finding that there was no sign of either man or vehicle there, he resumed his rounds by means of cabs and trains. It was towards midnight before the wanderer returned— the horse nearly driven to death, and the buggy dust-covered. To his master's questions he made an airy answer. " Well, you know,", he said pleasantly, "while I was watting for you a nice girl I know came and asked me for a drive. A gentleman couldn't refuse a lady, so I took her for a spin out to Panmurc." I hat was why the doctor advertised next day for a new groom.

On a certain bridge in the Sooth Inland appears the following notice: — '• Loads exceeding four tons are not allowed to cross this bridge". By order." Some strolling "sundowner has appended to the placard the following comment : — " A swagger passed here to-day with over 1000 tons weight on hi* shoulders (of care), and if poverty and suffering wore weighed by tons, there would he no bridge left in this accursed country."

Mr John Parrel), who declined a Llj.umping requisition to stAiid for the mayoralty of Grey Lynn, is a son of ex-Cojiheillor FarrcU, and possesses itinchlof the coinraon-*en?.« and sound judgment that made his fat her such a conapicuons and useful man in public almirs. Though standing ngnin for ulectiori'as councillor, Mr John Kunrell in tnoilest, aiid has no aspiration after higher office. At the name tim«% had lie stood for tlio mayoralty he would haVe won hands down.

Though Sir Joseph Ward allayed the excitement in Auckland concerning tlie leper hospital by the assurance tliat it was not intended to put lepers there, evidence is accumulating that the building was erected as a leper hospital. Dr Mason, Health Officer, says the lazaret te ar Motuihi was only a temporary expedient and not a permanent provision, forgetting that in the eyes of the Auckland people orfti was as objectionable as the other. Also, when the key of the new building was- went down to the island by the authorities last wrek, it was addressed "key of the leper hospital." Evidently, we want some stronger Ministerial assurance about that hospital than we have got yet, or a temporary lazarette at our <loor> may become an accomplished- fad.

The late Mr Oliver M;iys mi-lit fairly be described a< tin; falhur of the leading institutions of Dovonport. ll« was the first postumstvr of l lie district-, one of its first representatives on the Waitemata County Council, was concerned in the initiation of the first wharf and the first church, and the erection of the public school, was chairman of the first road board, and for the last eleven years he has sat in the Borough Council. But he extended his energies beyond Devonport, and was associated with important movements for Auckland generally. It was he who, as a member of the Harbour Board, moved the adoption of the report that meant the construction of Calliope Dock ; and at tlie Cnaritable Aid Board he was one of the foremost promoters of the Costley Home scheme. Mr Mays was one of the earliest schoolmasters in tlie colony He had an English training, and began to teach at Woodside, on the Great South Road, in 185tf. A man of wide culture, large ideas and liberal sentiments, he will be greatly missed in the community.

An absent-minded young Auckland carpenter gave his workmates ,i hearty laugh down at Gisborne the other day. Directed to mount a ladder and s»i\\ off some beam-ends that protruded from a corner of the building, he hastened to obey. But he overlooked the fact that one of the beams wn,* that against which his ladder wms resting. And it wasn't until he had done the job, and found himself sink ing gracefully towards mother earth, that he discovered his blunder. The well-worn tradition about Paddy .severing the rope by which he was climbing, was here produced in reality.

Public freaks for wagers have been rather frequant in the colony of late. Not long ago, a dude in Wellington paralysed the town by parading the main streets with his best clothes on and a pair of sandwich boards hung across his shoulders. It was simply because someone had given odds against his doing it. Another exhibition of the same kind has happened at Carterion. There, a university graduate walked the full length of the town iii bare feet, with his boots and socks under his arms. It won him £1, and he is open to repeat the joke at the same price.